Sheepish Grins Pt. 2

I Shall Not be in Want…

So, since the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. The word “want” here has a greater meaning than just physical need. We see here that the Shepherd takes such good care of the sheep that their needs are taken care of and they are utterly content. Again, they delight in being the sheep of the good shepherd.

In fact, they are so satisfied in being this Shepherds sheep that their desires for other things shrink because they know how good the Shepherd really is. They could not fathom needing anything else. They have all they need and they trust the Shepherd with the things they don’t have. It really is that simple.

We often times wrongly believe that following Christ makes things perfect or that following Christ will mean material prosperity. In fact, whole theologies are wrongly structured on the idea that following Christ will make you materially wealthy and rich. In fact, the Bible shows the complete opposite sometimes and there were rich people, poor people and middle class people, biblically who followed, served, and glorified Christ with their lives.

Adversity was and is always part of life. The point here is that these people, the sheep, are content with whatever adversity comes. We see over and over that following Christ, loving and knowing the Good Shepherd, means that whatever winds may blow or storms may come, our needs are met and we can be content to know He is with us and will never forsake us.

So how do we demonstrate this contentment in the adversity? The sheepish grins on our faces of course. Seriously, have you ever been in a situation that is overwhelming you and you just know that somehow, there is a Good Shepherd loving you through this?

We felt this since last April. It was then that we knew that God was calling us away from Richmond and to here. We began doing work on our house to get it ready to sell when suddenly the bottom fell out of the economy and the housing market. There literally was not a worse time to put a house up for sale in the last 20 years. When things began going south in April, we began to pray about this being the right thing to do and we sensed God confirming this calling. I walked away content and confident that despite what would come, God would work. April turned to May and May turned to June and so on. As money ran out and got tighter and tighter, especially as we moved here and had to pay rent and a mortgage, God always blessed. We continued to pray and trust God in His calling us to this ministry. Each month, some money that we were not expecting would come in and we would be able to make a mortgage payment. Finally in November, no extra money came in and I had to have some serious discussions with our mortgage company. We entered December and did not see anything else moving or happening and faced the new year 3 month behind on mortgage payments. Through each part of this process, people would call and want to know what was happening with the house and I would always simply tell them that nothing had happened, but also convey the content that I felt in knowing that God was at work. Usually these conversations would happen with a sheepish grin on my face as I realized the coinciding craziness and faith in that statement. Two weeks ago, we got a call from our realtor in Virginia and he said he had a call from someone interested in renting the house with a possibility of them buying it later. On Christmas Eve, he called and told us that the agreement was a done deal. The rent that we are charging for the house is about $100 less than the mortgage payment. We were very happy to be this close, but we still didn’t have the extra $100. In looking at some of our donor income, however, we began to see one donor who upped their donation by $100.

You see, it is the contentment in knowing whether we sell the house in April, December or the thing goes in total foreclosure, we are His sheep and He is good. I was confident that God was moving and working and there would be an amazing story to tell that would echo His Amazing Grace.

“He Makes Me Lie Down in Green Pastures…”

Sheep are a strange animal. They are very sensitive and the slightest hint of fear or intimidation sets them off and the shepherd must know how to best take care of the sheep. There are 4 requirements that must be met for sheep to lie down:

1. Freedom from fear

2. Freedom from friction with other sheep

3. Freedom from internal parasites or external pests such as flies

4. Freedom from hunger

Shepherds go to great lengths to meet all of these requirements and often the sacrifice of time, energy and money is nearly overwhelming. The work of a shepherd is so the sheep can live fully and ultimately to his glory as he sells them.

We are no different. We suffer from the same fear, friction, pests and hungers that keep us from true rest. Only in the presence of the Shepherd can we find relief and true comfort.

Fear rocks sheep like nothing else. Ewes, heavy in lamb, will abort their baby if the slightest hint of harm or harassment happens. Shepherds must watch over not only the flocks, but the areas around the flocks for any possible predators such as cougars, wolves or dogs. Once a predator has been found or even a clue hinting that predator is in the area, the Good Shepherd hunts down the predator and destroys it.

It is the same with Jesus. As His sheep, He knows the wiles of Satan and the affect of sin in our life. He will not allow it to destroy us. He pursues us and convicts us of that sin. Remember when He cleared the temple? It was to clear the House of His Father from the distractions and predators that stood in the way of genuine worship of His Father. He hunted and destroyed for the sake of genuine worship.

Sheep will often times engage in turf wars with one another and could even kill one another over patches of land. They do various things to intimidate one another and send signals of aggression. If these conflicts exist, it can affect the sheep greatly and keep them from resting. Do you know what the remedy for this conflict is? The simple presence of the Shepherd.

The analogy is clear that sheep are those who follow the Good Shepherd, Christians. Christians are no different than sheep. We claim our territories and attach unnecessary feelings and emotions to things of little importance and then we will fight to maintain that importance with other Christians. These disagreements and conflicts often times distract and destroy us and keep us from true rest and peace with Jesus. Like sheep, we respond to the presence of the Good Shepherd. When we put ourselves aside and worship Him (He must increase and I must decrease), we truly are set free to rest and live.

Flies and internal parasites absolutely drive sheep literally crazy. When these things are bothering sheep, the sheep are disoriented, annoyed and restless. A good shepherd “anoints the sheep’s head with oil” to keep the flies and parasites from pest. However, the shepherd can only do this if the sheep allow Him to examine them. The sheep develop a pattern of daily or every other day making it a point to “check in” with the shepherd to ease their own mind and the shepherd takes the opportunity to examine them for these bothersome pests.

We all have affects of our past or present and maybe even fear of our future that we live with. These internal fears haunt and intimidate us and paralyze us from true joy in Christ if we do not allow the Good Shepherd to examine us and begin to help heal us from these things. David again wrote what we now can model in Psalm 139 when he begins the Psalms by saying:

“You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.” (Psa 139:2-6)

So David shows that God already knows everything there is to know about him, but still at the end of Psalm 139 he says:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! (Psa 139:23-24)”

David is aware that God knows everything already, but by the end of the Psalms, he delivers himself once again to the Good Shepherd in submission to His examination and knows that it is for his best that he is examined in this way.

Finally, sheep must be free of hunger. Notice that the shepherd makes the sheep lie down in green pasture. In the Middle East where this was written, green pastures are not as common as we expect. In fact, for a pasture to be green and suitable for sheep grazing, much work and effort on the shepherd’s part had to be done to prepare the field. Often these pastures are in remote areas and not easy to get to. However, the shepherd makes the effort and the sheep, once free from the other annoyances, can lie down and have their hunger met.

Meeting our hunger needs is no different. It cost Jesus a lot to be our Shepherd and to prepare a proper place for us to rest. Christ works hard to prepare the soil of our faith to yield His fruit. He delights in preparing us to enjoy Him, but He will not settle for sharing us with someone or something else. He is a jealous God, because He is the only Creator. Everything else is created and not worthy of such worship and consumption.

Sheepish Grins Pt. 1

The following is the manuscript of the sermon I preached at MERCYhouse on January 4.

Last week, Steve Mirigian broke down scripture in a very academic and intelligent way. Now that I am preaching this week, I am afraid that I will sound like Elmo trying to explain nuclear fusion compared to him. (“Look Dorothy, nuclear transmutation!” That joke killed with my 3 year old.) So anyway, I was asked to preach on the 23^rd Psalm. As many of you may know, Psalms 23 is a Psalm correlating us to sheep and God to the Shepherd. So I had the task of meditating on the theme of sheep. Since Steve brought up the theme of Monty Python last week, all I could think of when preparing for this sermon was this video.

Thank God that I was not asked to talk to you on my own, or you would get utter silliness like that and we would waste everyone’s time today. However, I was not asked to come speak to you on my own today. I was asked to seek the Holy Spirit to be given a message to bring to you in regard to Psalms 23. So hopefully, here is God’s Word.

Psalms 23 is a loved and well known passage of scripture that has meant a lot to a lot of people. Usually when this happens in today’s American society especially, you will begin to see it used for capital gain, such as these things: Psalms 23 t-shirts, hoodies, boxer shorts and even thong underwear. Merry Christmas, only 360 shopping days left till Christmas, beat the rush and order the thongs now.

I grew up in Oklahoma, which is really in the heart of what is called, Tornado Alley. Every Spring and Fall, we could count on anywhere between 3 to 10 tornadoes approaching where we lived. It was part of the culture to deal with tornadoes. So much so that many people in Oklahoma were forced with the choice of putting a swimming pool in the back yard, or a cellar. Now for those of you who do not know what a cellar is, it is basically a large cement room that is dropped in a hole and covered up with dirt so only the door sticks out. Now my family growing up chose to get the swimming pool and even though I am sure that cellars would have been fun for all kinds of scientific experiments, I am sure my parents made the right choice. My social life certainly developed because of it. However, when tornadoes would come through we would have to find a neighbor or family member that would let us in their cellar. When we would get in there, it was usually the most spiritual time of our lives. Commonly, we would pray, however more commonly, we would sing hymns or quote Psalms 23. We would hear the thunder roar and the hail pound the door. We would feel the rain drench and the winds pound and Psalms 23 would bring comfort.

So with Psalm 23 being so popular and common, I wanted to bring a different perspective to it this morning. I began reading a book called A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 this week and much of what I am going to present today is taken from this book. It gives some amazing insight into what it meant to be a shepherd during the time this Psalm was written as well as how this would have been culturally understood during that time. Especially here in the Valley, there is an understanding culturally of farming and some of the lifestyle cycles that farming brings, but even with our advanced knowledge, we can’t understand all of the intricacies of being a shepherd during this time, so lets look this morning at the 23^rd Psalms from a Shepherds perspective.

The Lord is my Shepherd…

David begins writing this Psalm by proclaiming that the Lord is his Shepherd. So, it begs the question, Who is the Lord? David is referring to Jehovah the Lord God of Israel. Jesus confirmed this statement as He was God incarnate and declared emphatically, “I am the Good Shepherd”.

In Colossians 1:15-20, we see that it was Jesus who was responsible for the creation of all things both natural and supernatural. Understanding this and seeing what David is in turn saying here, we see that Jesus is our Shepherd. When we reflect on the life and achievements of Jesus, we gladly state, “HE is my Shepherd!”

Saying this links us with divine destiny. It is a big statement that claims to others, “Look at my owner! The God that made all of us and all of this is my owner.”

Not only do we make that claim, but it is Christ, Himself Who calls us His sheep. He invites me to consider myself His sheep. We are His special object of His affection and attention. On top of all of that, all of this was His idea! I belong to Him simply because He deliberately chose to create me as the object of His own affection.

Not only that, but when I turned and ran away to follow another master who tempted me with false hope and joy, It was Jesus Who pursued me and bought me at an incredible price with His own blood at Calvary.

There are similarities to sheep and humans in many ways. It is no coincidence that God has chosen to call us His sheep. We, like sheep, suffer from our mass mindset (mob instincts), our fear and timidity, our stubbornness and stupidity; our perverse habits are all parallels of profound importance.

Yet, despite these things; in fact, with these things in full view, Christ chose to buy us, call us by name, make us His own and delight in us. It is in this delighting in us that allows us to know and be known by Him. He has given, is giving and will give Himself to us and for us. As I live in His offering of Himself to me and eat of, live from and dwell in His goodness, I emanate His glory. John Piper said it best when he said, “God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him.”

How do others know that we are satisfied in Christ? When a shepherd buys sheep, the first thing he does is round the new sheep us and put his mark on their ear. It is a distinct mark that can be seen from far away and identifies them with the shepherd. As believers, we are the same way. The Spirit of God living in us is the mark for all to see. The Spirit lives in us and guides us and shows us things about ourselves and others that only can come from God. The Spirit is our mark that links the emanating glory to the Lord Jesus Who is our Shepherd.

What we did on our Summer Vacation (and the rest of 2008)

Hey Everyone,

At the prompting of Matt Yakel (http://frame45.blogspot.com/), I wanted to post the link to our video that gives an update of what God has been doing in us this year. It is not professional in any way, but it was a lot of fun to put together. Thanks for praying and supporting us!!!

Ears to hear

This is the manuscript of the sermon I was able to preach at MERCYhouse, Dec. 21, 2008.


Two things used to always get me in the Christmas spirit for sure. One was going down the snack aisle of the store and seeing that the Little Debbie’s Snack Cakes had been changed from their octagon shape to the Christmas tree shape. It happens every year around Christmas and for me it always was the Yule Tide shot heard round the world. The second is this:



I love Charlie Brown because of its’ simplicity and directness. Linus becomes a prophet and preacher here when he proclaims, “Charlie Brown, this is what Christmas is all about”. This morning I want to explore a little bit more of what Christmas is all about.
We see in Luke 2:8-21 that Jesus has been born into the world fulfilling prophecy after prophecy and setting in motion the salvation of the world, the single greatest act of worship in all of history and indeed even the purpose of history itself. So after Jesus is born, something a bit strange happens; lets look:
“And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, "Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!" When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us." And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger. And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them. (Luk 2:8-20)”
So we see that near where Jesus was born in the stable, there were shepherds watching their sheep at night. Shepherds… farmers… keepers of the land… rednecks….the lowest of the low. Being a shepherd stunk. (Literally & figuratively) Shepherd was the rung just above starving to death. So Jesus, the Savior and Redeemer of the world… the Messiah and promised King arrives to save and serve and the first people invited to worship and observe this arrival are … redneck sheep wranglers?
Jesus was born in a stable, possibly close to the Inn had no room for his parents and was full of people who could afford a room. Why weren’t the angels sent to the people of the Inn to come out and worship and observe this arrival? Why wasn’t the Inn Keeper, a small business man, the backbone of the Bethlehem economy and the one who had to turn Mary and Joseph away, invited to come celebrate? What about the King over the land, Herod, why wasn’t he there to celebrate… wait, he had other plans for Jesus in a Moses sort of way. Shoot, why didn’t He send the angels to the Mayor of Bethlehem? Surely he knew about the prophecy of the Messiah being born in Bethlehem and he had a file in some drawer on what to do when the Messiah is born in town and large plastic key ready to give to the baby once it is born right? Why go to the shepherds who were further out in the fields? Shepherds who had no societal standing at all? Who were the “nobodys of nobodys?”
I think we get some insight into why when we see Jesus address the purpose of his coming and who it was for in His own words: “And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners." (Mar 2:17). Jesus came for the sick, the lowly, the sinner. That is what Jesus was called and known as, “a friend of sinners”. From the beginning of His life here on this earth, Jesus drew, as he describes them, “those who have ears” to come hear him.
For whatever reason, the shepherds had ears. Now it would be easy to have ears to hear if you had an angelic host singing too you and telling you all of this, but God’s grace is often times just as shocking and jolting. I see it time and time again when people are affected by the free grace to us, but the expensive grace to Jesus. I remember when I actually got grace. I fought it. It scared me. I didn’t want it. I wanted to earn it. I wanted to do something to have some right to call the righteousness it brings my own. Grace frightened me. Like the communication from the angels, grace is big and scary and hard to ignore.
Look at what the angels say when they appear before the shepherds: “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” The second part of this message was a commonly known phrase and expected future occurrence. It was a cultural phrase that was passed down from the oral traditions. Kind of like “Four score and seven years ago...” or “Give us your tired, your poor…” It, in a very small way, is like knowing that in a couple of months someone will walk on a stage and say “This years Academy Award for Best Actor goes to…” or “The winner of Miss America 2009 is…”. It is common phrasing. Jewish people were looking for the Messiah. They knew that prophecy was out there that the Messiah would come from Bethlehem. That was common knowledge. What was uncommon was that this was being proclaimed by an angel, to a shepherd and for all people.
So let’s break this down. Angels are messengers from God. Their job is to do what God tells them to do. They glorify God and worship Him. Period. They are God’s. When you see angels in scripture, they are there representing God and doing his work. We get a very small picture of this when we see the Secret Service work. They do the work of the President. They protect, clear, deliver messages, etc.
So an angel, messenger of God, is sent to … a shepherd. Kind of like a member of the Secret Service sent to the hog farms in Arkansas to give a message, not to the owner of the farm, but the teenage kid who is feeding the pigs so he can earn a little bit of money to buy a Wii or the illegal alien who is working there late at night to send money back to his family in Mexico. That is the stark contrast that we see here.
I believe the angels were sent to the shepherds because they had ears to hear. They knew their brokenness and place in society and they needed, looked for and cried out for help. God used these circumstances to give them ears to hear. Christ can give everyone ears to hear. Christ’s work and redemption is for all people. However, not everyone hears.
I once had the privilege of talking with a man named Dave Busby. Dave was the second oldest living person who had Cystic Fibrosis. Cystic Fibrosis is a hereditary disease that affects the lungs mainly and causes mucus to fill up the lungs and the person affected to eventually drown in their own mucus. I got to sit down with Dave who was an amazing man who loved God. We were in a church in Atlanta and he had his oxygen tank on one side, his mask on and he slumped a bit because of the polio that had formed in him as well. I sat next to him and asked him what his condition insight about God gave him that I and others who don’t have this disease are missing. He simply said, “I understand my need for Him daily, probably, better than you do.”
Dave understood that his condition gave him better ears to hear. He understood that the fight to breathe gave him more of a capacity to appreciate and worship God the few moments in those few moments that he could breathe easily. Dave was given ears to hear and respond to God in the midst of some really difficult and painful times.
These past two weeks Christie and I have walked through some rough stuff as well. Two weeks ago tomorrow, we learned that Christie was pregnant. Christie was shocked and I couldn’t get the smile off my face. I love being a Dad. I love being a child of the King first. Then because I am a child of the King, He has called me to love being a husband and to love my wife as He loved me and I absolutely adore my wife and being married to her. She is the person that I get to demonstrate the love of Christ to most and in turn glorify God in the most. Then, because of this love, God has blessed us with 3 amazing daughters who are fun and bright and so amazing. My thought is and has always been “If one child is this much fun, how much more fun and full of praise will two be. And if 2 is that much more fun and full of opportunities to praise, how much more fun will 3 be” and so on. So we found out that she was pregnant, but the doctor told us that because of some of the things happening with Christie, we need to check some other things out. So we did a series of blood test throughout these past two weeks and we found out that Christie was miscarrying. There was no more pregnancy. The time between us finding out we were pregnant and we weren’t was less than 48 hours, however, we fell in love with the idea of being pregnant and the coming baby in that short time. Our hearts began to be shaped for that baby. When we found out that the baby wasn’t coming, it hurt. Our hearts hurt. We still mourn this baby we never knew and only had knowledge of for less than two days. So it is natural when you go through trauma like this to ask “Why?” However, I have found through this and other things like this in life that the question of “Why” is not nearly as important as first asking “Who?” and then asking that Who “What?” What are you saying Lord. These things are happening and the Grace that you brought through this child that laid in that manger now allows me to hear from You. To have ears to hear. What do want to say? What do I need to see? How do I need to respond?
How do I know the shepherds had ears to hear and responded to this message? How do we know? They said so. “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us." They recognized that what had happened was from God and they responded with action. They were afraid but the message was clear and they followed. They didn’t just talk about what they saw and how cool it would be to go and worship in theory. They responded and worshiped. They went and found Jesus and glorified him in the only way they knew how. I would love to have been there to see these bunch of rednecks worship. “That sure is a purty Savior baby aint it?”
Whatever they did was effective. Scripture here shows us: “And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.” We see that the shepherds story was a topic of conversation and people that heard it wrestled with it. We see that is was a blessing to Mary and we see that it changed them. They returned praising God for what they had experienced. They lived out the Glory of God and in turn, worshiped I believe in Spirit and in Truth.
So the message to us is the same today. A child has been born. A Savior has been sent. He is the Good News and the Joy. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Do you have ears to hear this morning? How do you know you have ears to hear? You are serving, sharing, living and loving.
Is God speaking to you to respond in worship of Him, to maybe give some of the glory that you are giving to yourself to Him? Is He allowing you to see more and more of Who He is and who you are not?
If so, that may scare you. It is not easy to know that we are not what we think we are and we cannot do what we think we can do. It is a startling thought to recognize that we cannot save ourselves or that our degrees, our grades, our family history or good works (however many they may be) cannot save us.
Maybe you don’t get it. Maybe this is so foreign and out there that it all seems like I have been speaking German. Then I dare you to ask God to give you ears to hear. Ask Him to show Himself and who He really is. Go home today and read the book of John and you will see Him, I promise.

The Flounder of Holidays

Whether it is Wal-Mart, TBS or my wife, one thing really bothers me. I hate it when Christmas stuff starts appearing and taking center stage before Thanksgiving has come and gone. I hate it when Wal-Mart becomes Santa's Third World Country Sweat Shop of Love. I hate it when The Grinch That Stole Christmas is broadcast on November 14th. I hate it when Christmas music fills the house when we haven't even reached Turkey Day yet. It is as if we are opening the door to see that it is Thanksgiving and saying "Screw You! Go back to the Nerd Holiday Hole with Arbor Day and Boxing Day!" We treat Thanksgiving like Larry and Kent "Flounder" Dorfman from Animal House when they went to the Omega house and were promptly taken to the area of the room with the Indian guy, the blind guy and kid picking his nose. Thanksgiving comes along every November and we take it by the shoulder and bring over to the couch and introduce it to Presidents Day and Earth Day and say "Well that's great, you guys will get along well. Stay here and get to know one another.", as we run back to dance to Christmas tunes played by Otis Day and Knights. "Wait till Otis sees us! He loves us!"

I know what you're thinking: Why can't I have a moral conscious like Ryan? Why doesn't this same genius fall on me like it does Ryan? Why can't I be more like Ryan and enjoy Thanksgiving without offending it by looking at the cute holiday right behind it?

I don't know Pedro, but I will pray that Thanksgiving takes it's rightful place among American Holidays even if it has to assault us in a armored Lincoln Continental inside a Turkey float that has the words "EAT ME" across the side of it. Maybe then we will learn to care. Maybe then we will be a little more human.

Oh by the way, feel free to send my wife a note and congratulate her on finding the "Holiday Sounds" channel on our cable.

Top 10 Things I learned on Twitter Today

10. Matt Yakel is at war with his printer at work. TRANSLATION: Matt needs to get out more.

9. Fallon had a horrible case of the Mondays and hates parking in downtown OKC. TRANSLATON: Fallon needs to stay in more.

8. Cara Yakel threw a kid out of class today. TRANSLATION: Cara needs anger management classes soon.

7. Matt Duke has a crazy name like SOH Priest for his Twitter account. TRANSLATION: I will get an e-mail later explaining what it means and how out of touch with Charles Spurgeon I am.

6. I may have to fly to Oklahoma to beat up some Freshman in college. TRANSLATION: Cara is rubbing off on me.

5. Geoff Moore is not mentioned nearly as much on Twitter as he is on this blog. TRANSLATION: Some things just can't be explained.

4. Matt Yakel, Matt Duke and I are going to reenact the fax machine beating scene from Office Space. TRANSLATION: Cara's influence is epidemic.

3. Matt Yakel has a crack problem. TRANSLATION: Wouldn't you if you had to live with that angry ogre?

2. Food stamps in Oklahoma can be used to buy cigarettes. TRANSLATION: See explanation note for #5.

1. None of us got a single thing done at work today. TRANSLATION: Tomorrow is another day.

The Next Great President

Here is the short list of who I believe would have made the best President in this last election.

1o. Osama Bin Laden - When he shows up to the inaguration, we shoot him. Duh, come on people work with me here. Sure it will hurt for a while to have your President shot, but it will be fine because his Vice President, Clay Aiken, will step in.

9. Elmo - Could it really be that much of a intellectual change from W?

8. Ronald McDonald - His great plan for America will be the Great Happy Deal: A Mcrib in every pot.

7. John Hagee - For those of you who don't know who he is ... well, don't waste your time. It would be a hoot though.

6. Hulk Hogan - Because he has done such a solid job with his own family. I'm just sayin'.

5. Yoda - "Govern you, I will."

4. Theo Epstein - Seriously, the guy led the Red Sox to win the freaking World Series. My guess is that if he had all of the United States to choose from, he could even find a real shortstop as well.

3. My neighbor Steve - Seems like a nice guy, likes NASCAR and hates Jeff Gordon. Same qualifications as W. Actually more qualified than Obama.

2. Jaime Farr (The guy who played Klinger on MASH) - I doubt he is very busy and if we ever get in real trouble and he wants out, he puts on a mu-mu and then hilarity and hi jinks ensue in the Oval Office.

1. Elmer Fudd - "SSSSHHH ... I'm hunting Bin Wadin..."

See what this stupid political season has driven me to. Praise God it is over.