"So, what exactly are you doing now?"

I love this question because it means someone cares enough and is invested enough to want to know what is happening with us. I also hate this question because it means that they have been invested with us and know things have changed. I hate trying to navigate the explanation. But here goes.

Where have we been?
In August of 2008, we moved from Richmond, VA to South Hadley, MA in hopes of planting a church. Upon arrival, we connected and settled in nicely at MERCYhouse (www.knowmercy.org) where I interned for a year as a church planting intern, learning the culture of New England and building relationships with people from MERCYhouse that were driving in from the South Hadley area. During this time, we began to host a small group in our home that in the course of a year, grew to over 40 people. It included a time where the men and women would connect in prayer, including a time where the men would meet in my basement surrounded by power tools and (never used) workout equipment, talk about theology, scripture, confess our sins and repent.

This growth caused us to move our timeline along quickly and in January of 2010, we began meeting as Valley Church and launched officially on Easter of 2010 where we saw over 90 people attend our first service. Valley Church was an amazing time and a challenging time as well. I cannot tell you the number of amazing friends that we made during that time and the lives that were changed as we encouraged people to worship Jesus and consider His Glorious Grace. Valley Church was blessed with a core group of young adults and young families who were constantly facing new things in life daily like marriage, kids, job relocation and time management. I learned a lot about leading a group like this, including the fact that I simply am not the right guy to lead an entrepreneurial enterprise like a church. I love shepherding people and seeing them grow in their affinity for Jesus, even in the simple daily things of  every day relationships and hospitality. In the end however, a church, especially a new church in New England like Valley Church, needed someone who would not only shepherd, but press on into new areas and bring a team on mission with them. In the end, that was not me and we ended Valley Church in December of 2012. I was blessed to have the chance to go back to MERCYhouse and reconnect with the staff there as the Associate Pastor. In January of 2013, I began at MERCYhouse and once again began to see those areas of shepherding and connection blossom. The staff at MERCYhouse and the people were an amazing blessing during this time. Young families began to grow during what we lovingly referred to as the "Baby Boom"and I consistently found myself counseling and mentoring these families in how to do life, raise and disciple their children, love their spouse and above all, worship Jesus. While at MERCYhouse, I began to realize that there was something else at play in my life that I didn't understand the severity or effects of fully.

Depression
For those of you that know Christie and I, you are aware of a couple of things: 1. I married way, way over my head. 2. My wife has an amazing ability to see through my junk and pinpoint what is going on with me. When Valley Church ended and I took the position at MERCYhouse, she began pointing out what she was seeing in me. She mentioned that the joy that I once had wasn't there and that I was constantly drained by life and people in a way that never had happened before. She encouraged me seek help and prayer. I know at this point, if she were here watching me write this, she would want me to point out that she didn't always point these observations out graciously, but that is the nature of a relationship between a husband and a wife. The point is, she did see these things and then had to deal with me in this state for over two years. I trudged along during this time and struggled daily to find joy or even happiness. The best times were in my home playing with our baby daughter, Mavery, who was born in January of 2014 or watching silly movies and playing games with our girls. Even talking with Christie at times was too much, because I knew we would end up talking about what she was seeing and I just couldn't find it within me to "do" what needed to be done. I recently listened to a podcast by Eric Metaxas where he interviewed TV legend Dick Cavett, who has struggled with severe depression for many years. He explained his depression as being on a couch in your living room and someone telling you that there is a magic wand that can cure your depression on your kitchen table in the next room and depression will convince you that it's not worth getting off the couch because it probably wouldn't work for you anyway. That is exactly how I felt daily. There was little motivation to most things, including really important things that I knew needed to be done, thought through and addressed.
Each morning, that same struggle would be there. "What is the use of getting out of this bed?" "My wife is up and I will relocate from the bed to the couch, but I am in pure survival mode only today. Just make it to 9:00 PM so you can go back to bed." During this same time, I was the Associate Pastor at MERCYhouse, barely. What I mean by that is I would muster whatever motivation I could to perform the task that needed done and hope that would be enough. I knew and others knew it wasn't. There was a greater issue at work here. I finally listened to my wife, emailed our elder team, let them know what was going on, talked with a trusted couple in our church who had dealt with a history of depression and scheduled a doctors appointment where he, apparently using a BuzzFeed questionnaire, diagnosed me as "moderately to severely depressed". (I was hoping I would get Black Widow.)

Where we are.
In May, I resigned as Associate Pastor of MERCYhouse. I truly love MERCYhouse, the staff and the people there, however, it was apparent that what was needed and wanted was not a good fit for the gifts God had given me. So we began to pray about where God wanted us and what He wanted us to do. I applied for several jobs both in and out of ministry, both in and out of New England. During this same time, I was prescribed medication to deal with the depression and the acid reflux that I apparently had been dealing with for years as well. Both of these medications have been blessings from God. Neither is a miracle pill, but both have helped bring me to a place where I don't feel like I am digging out of a 60 foot whole each day. Bringing my feelings in line with the Truth of the Gospel is happening more readily now. Joy seems to be returning. Even through leaving MERCYhouse, there is hope in Jesus. We have prayed that God would lead us to where He wants us and it seems He has opened the door to this new direction.

Where we are going.
Over the past 2 years, I have been working with a local camp in the Pioneer Valley, Pine Brook (http://pinebrookcamp.org)

as a speaker at their camps and retreats. Last year, I began working with their staff on some of the programming that is offered and built a great relationship with them. As we met to discuss an offer to join their Board of Directors, it became evident that I could fulfill a better position on staff with Pine Brook and after some discussion and prayer, we created the position of Spiritual Director at Pine Brook camp. I am very excited about this position because I get to take an existing structure and connect each of those pieces in the structure more clearly to the Gospel. Additionally, I am leading the camp into new territory by creating programming that will encourage and grow the families in the Pioneer Valley as they disciple their children, grow in their marriages and worship Jesus. Lastly, I will be able to use those shepherding skills with a group of staff at the camp which serve in various capacities throughout the summers. Leading this group and seeing them grow in their love of Jesus, their capacity to serve and their worship of Jesus will be part of what I value most in ministry, life on life discipleship. A mentor friend of mine was helping me reflect back on some of the events of the past 8 years and he told me that the measure of our ministry is not in the buildings that were built, the churches that sustained for centuries or the magnitude of the programming, but it is and always has been in the lives that were changed by God and His Holy Spirit and the power of Jesus through our gifts. So, what are we doing now? Being available, obedient, still and knowing that HE IS GOD and doing this out loud, around the people of New England.