Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Flounder of Holidays


Whether it is Wal-Mart, TBS or my wife, one thing really bothers me. I hate it when Christmas stuff starts appearing and taking center stage before Thanksgiving has come and gone. I hate it when Wal-Mart becomes Santa's Third World Country Sweat Shop of Love. I hate it when The Grinch That Stole Christmas is broadcast on November 14th. I hate it when Christmas music fills the house when we haven't even reached Turkey Day yet. It is as if we are opening the door to see that it is Thanksgiving and saying "Screw You! Go back to the Nerd Holiday Hole with Arbor Day and Boxing Day!" We treat Thanksgiving like Larry and Kent "Flounder" Dorfman from Animal House when they went to the Omega house and were promptly taken to the area of the room with the Indian guy, the blind guy and kid picking his nose. Thanksgiving comes along every November and we take it by the shoulder and bring over to the couch and introduce it to Presidents Day and Earth Day and say "Well that's great, you guys will get along well. Stay here and get to know one another.", as we run back to dance to Christmas tunes played by Otis Day and Knights. "Wait till Otis sees us! He loves us!"

I know what you're thinking: Why can't I have a moral conscious like Ryan? Why doesn't this same genius fall on me like it does Ryan? Why can't I be more like Ryan and enjoy Thanksgiving without offending it by looking at the cute holiday right behind it?

I don't know Pedro, but I will pray that Thanksgiving takes it's rightful place among American Holidays even if it has to assault us in a armored Lincoln Continental inside a Turkey float that has the words "EAT ME" across the side of it. Maybe then we will learn to care. Maybe then we will be a little more human.

Oh by the way, feel free to send my wife a note and congratulate her on finding the "Holiday Sounds" channel on our cable.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Top 10 Things I learned on Twitter Today


10. Matt Yakel is at war with his printer at work. TRANSLATION: Matt needs to get out more.

9. Fallon had a horrible case of the Mondays and hates parking in downtown OKC. TRANSLATON: Fallon needs to stay in more.

8. Cara Yakel threw a kid out of class today. TRANSLATION: Cara needs anger management classes soon.

7. Matt Duke has a crazy name like SOH Priest for his Twitter account. TRANSLATION: I will get an e-mail later explaining what it means and how out of touch with Charles Spurgeon I am.

6. I may have to fly to Oklahoma to beat up some Freshman in college. TRANSLATION: Cara is rubbing off on me.

5. Geoff Moore is not mentioned nearly as much on Twitter as he is on this blog. TRANSLATION: Some things just can't be explained.

4. Matt Yakel, Matt Duke and I are going to reenact the fax machine beating scene from Office Space. TRANSLATION: Cara's influence is epidemic.

3. Matt Yakel has a crack problem. TRANSLATION: Wouldn't you if you had to live with that angry ogre?

2. Food stamps in Oklahoma can be used to buy cigarettes. TRANSLATION: See explanation note for #5.

1. None of us got a single thing done at work today. TRANSLATION: Tomorrow is another day.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Next Great President


Here is the short list of who I believe would have made the best President in this last election.

1o. Osama Bin Laden - When he shows up to the inaguration, we shoot him. Duh, come on people work with me here. Sure it will hurt for a while to have your President shot, but it will be fine because his Vice President, Clay Aiken, will step in.

9. Elmo - Could it really be that much of a intellectual change from W?

8. Ronald McDonald - His great plan for America will be the Great Happy Deal: A Mcrib in every pot.

7. John Hagee - For those of you who don't know who he is ... well, don't waste your time. It would be a hoot though.

6. Hulk Hogan - Because he has done such a solid job with his own family. I'm just sayin'.

5. Yoda - "Govern you, I will."

4. Theo Epstein - Seriously, the guy led the Red Sox to win the freaking World Series. My guess is that if he had all of the United States to choose from, he could even find a real shortstop as well.

3. My neighbor Steve - Seems like a nice guy, likes NASCAR and hates Jeff Gordon. Same qualifications as W. Actually more qualified than Obama.

2. Jaime Farr (The guy who played Klinger on MASH) - I doubt he is very busy and if we ever get in real trouble and he wants out, he puts on a mu-mu and then hilarity and hi jinks ensue in the Oval Office.

1. Elmer Fudd - "SSSSHHH ... I'm hunting Bin Wadin..."

See what this stupid political season has driven me to. Praise God it is over.