The Flounder of Holidays

Whether it is Wal-Mart, TBS or my wife, one thing really bothers me. I hate it when Christmas stuff starts appearing and taking center stage before Thanksgiving has come and gone. I hate it when Wal-Mart becomes Santa's Third World Country Sweat Shop of Love. I hate it when The Grinch That Stole Christmas is broadcast on November 14th. I hate it when Christmas music fills the house when we haven't even reached Turkey Day yet. It is as if we are opening the door to see that it is Thanksgiving and saying "Screw You! Go back to the Nerd Holiday Hole with Arbor Day and Boxing Day!" We treat Thanksgiving like Larry and Kent "Flounder" Dorfman from Animal House when they went to the Omega house and were promptly taken to the area of the room with the Indian guy, the blind guy and kid picking his nose. Thanksgiving comes along every November and we take it by the shoulder and bring over to the couch and introduce it to Presidents Day and Earth Day and say "Well that's great, you guys will get along well. Stay here and get to know one another.", as we run back to dance to Christmas tunes played by Otis Day and Knights. "Wait till Otis sees us! He loves us!"

I know what you're thinking: Why can't I have a moral conscious like Ryan? Why doesn't this same genius fall on me like it does Ryan? Why can't I be more like Ryan and enjoy Thanksgiving without offending it by looking at the cute holiday right behind it?

I don't know Pedro, but I will pray that Thanksgiving takes it's rightful place among American Holidays even if it has to assault us in a armored Lincoln Continental inside a Turkey float that has the words "EAT ME" across the side of it. Maybe then we will learn to care. Maybe then we will be a little more human.

Oh by the way, feel free to send my wife a note and congratulate her on finding the "Holiday Sounds" channel on our cable.