Confessions of an Addict

Isn't it amazing what stress does to us? It is 12:22 AM early Saturday morning and I am writing this because I have seen first hand what stress does to me.

Let me tell you a little about me first of all. I am an addict. I am easily addicted to things. Things in general. If something gives me a certain feeling or I can elicit a certain response with something or by doing something, chances are that I will do that thing or seek out that thing for a long, long time. Here is the ironic, goofy and fitting part of this addiction in my life: I am not addicted to the usual suspects (drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.). My addictions are much more subtle, socially acceptable and for me, dangerous. When I get stressed, I look for comfort from television, entertainment, food and pride.

Here is an example, and you will find this hard to believe, but it is a true story. In 1986, my dad, brother and I went to get a haircut at the local barber in Heavener, Oklahoma. My brother and I got our hair cut first. (It was easier to place the bowl on our heads and cut one solid line around our head first I guess.) On this particular early spring day, I convinced my dad to let us go down the street to the local pool hall and arcade and play pool. He said yes and we were on our way. When we arrived, we began to play pool and I noticed a juke box on the wall and I walked over to it and began looking for my favorite song, (remember, I am not making this up) "We Built This City" by Jefferson Starship. Sure enough, the song was on there and I plugged in my money and I played the song. Then I saw that I could play other songs, so I plugged it in again, and again, and again, until "We Built This City" was played 14 straight times as we played pool. The other patrons of this pool hall were not too pleased, but it was my money and they couldn't say much. Here is the other ironic thing, I had the tape by Jefferson Starship, Knee Deep in the Hoopla in the car and we played it all the way home.

I just recently finished the whole series of 7th Heaven that we Tivoed. I am constantly watching, listening to or participating in something in order to keep from thinking.

So what have we learned, besides Ryan was raised on and addicted to really crappy music? I find comfort in entrainment. I find comfort in familiarity. I begin to seek these things out and hope that they will provide the stability, safety and salvation that I desire. Jefferson Starship couldn't in 1986 and my veiled attempts to settle for entertainment now are only mud pies in the proverbial slum. My holiday in Christ awaits and I have settled.

I write all of this tonight, because I crawled into this addiction tonight and I didn't want to get out, even when a dear friend came over for dinner. I chose to cling onto what I felt like was giving me comfort and worth. I sinned against her. I feel like an absolute a-hole. There is no excuse for my actions and I simply missed the mark.

My comfort, safety, well-being and life are all found in Jesus alone. I am finding the stress of life right now is causing me to desire these escapes more and more recently. My Tivo is full of shows that I want to watch and get lost in. My ipod is full of sermons, songs and comedy that would sweep me away with a touch of a button. I cannot settle for these things. My focus must be on Jesus. I hand them to Him and ask Him to redeem them if they can be redeemed and give them to me when they can glorify Him in my life.